Don’t mind my caption, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated and my writing is rustier than ever. I’ve been at my internship now about 3 months, the halfway point. It’s been an interesting and growing experience, not only as a developer but as a person. The learning experience has been steep. There have been moments I’ve literally cried and wondered if I was ever going to understand certain concepts, if I was smart enough to understand how to create this project.
I’ve felt like a cheater, and a liar, that I oversold myself at my interview because I told my company I would learn and have something to show them by now and I haven’t delivered what I wanted to. I was putting a lot of pressure and stress on myself because I really wanted to build something and not really struggle with things because I forgot the main aspect of the position: I am an intern, my job is to learn and build. I felt horrible that I wasn’t learning as fast as I wanted, and I felt the pressure was on when one of the developers was placed to oversee the project.
At the time I felt like I was letting them down, but deep down inside, I appreciated that they did place someone senior on the project. I felt like I knew what I wanted to do, was figuring out how to go about building it, as I found different ways to work on it. Though this was great, I also felt the pressure that I had to deliver something soon; I wanted to have something to show for my time and their investment. This self-added stress was hindering my progress, as it consumed my thoughts and made me feel this intense guilt. It was a vicious cycle for a few weeks. This mental stress, was starting to seep into my physical health and personal relationships.
I am grateful to have someone on board to really take the reigns and show me the path. My higher-ups were kind enough to inform me that they knew that my role in this was that of a learning experience and understood I needed more guidance. That admission took the weight of the world from my shoulders, and I feel like I don’t need to feel like I’m failing and that they are aware that they knew that I was learning as I went along. It’s liberated me so much, that I feel like I’ve taken a few steps forward on this very steep learning curve.
I am so grateful to have this opportunity. I’m so excited to keep climbing and showing them that their investment in me was a worthy one.