Hacking My (Dot) Life

“La Developer Vita”.. or “It wasn’t ‘happily ever after’, after all.”

Don’t mind my caption, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated and my writing is rustier than ever.  I’ve been at my internship now about 3 months, the halfway point.  It’s been an interesting and growing experience, not only as a developer but as a person.  The learning experience has been steep. There have been moments I’ve literally cried and wondered if I was ever going to understand certain concepts, if I was smart enough to understand how to create this project.

I’ve felt like a cheater, and a liar, that I oversold myself at my interview because I told my company I would learn and have something to show them by now and I haven’t delivered what I wanted to.  I was putting a lot of pressure and stress on myself because I really wanted to build something and not really struggle with things because I forgot the main aspect of the position:  I am an intern, my job is to learn and build.  I felt horrible that I wasn’t learning as fast as I wanted, and I felt the pressure was on when one of the developers was placed to oversee the project.

At the time I felt like I was letting them down, but deep down inside, I appreciated that they did place someone senior on the project.  I felt like I knew what I wanted to do, was figuring out how to go about building it, as I found different ways to work on it.  Though this was great, I also felt the pressure that I had to deliver something soon; I wanted to have something to show for my time and their investment.  This self-added stress was hindering my progress, as it consumed my thoughts and made me feel this intense guilt.  It was a vicious cycle for a few weeks. This mental stress, was starting to seep into my physical health and personal relationships.

I am grateful to have someone on board to really take the reigns and show me the path.  My higher-ups were kind enough to inform me that they knew that my role in this was that of a learning experience and understood I needed more guidance.  That admission took the weight of the world from my shoulders, and I feel like I don’t need to feel like I’m failing and that they are aware that they knew that I was learning as I went along.  It’s liberated me so much, that I feel like I’ve taken a few steps forward on this very steep learning curve.

I am so grateful to have this opportunity.  I’m so excited to keep climbing and showing them that their investment in me was a worthy one.


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